A Little Something

I loved.

So I learned how to lose.

Sometimes I wonder, if it is worth it?

If I would do it all again even if I knew the outcome.

I don’t know

The fragrance of roses, freshly cut grass gives me a sense of belonging and security

The feeling of rushing through traffic, transports me to laughter and adrenaline

Some memories hurt, some feel warm, but both stay

Maybe healing is not becoming whole again

Maybe it is learning to live broken without shame.

I say I want to escape

But I still keep finding reasons to stay

The past feels heavy but safe

I confuse healing with betrayal

As if letting go would somehow hurt the person I am trying to overgrow

I have never been good at that

Disenfranchised grief

It alters your habits, your mind

You learn to carry pain quietly

To just be while unbecoming

To survive without being seen

I am getting bolder, becoming cold

And I am covering my feet but it’s nothing like when I was Consumed

My lungs are filled with hot liquid, now that I have coughed you up.

I loved.

So I learned how to lose.

Sometimes I wonder, if it is worth it?

If I would do it all again even if I knew the outcome.

I don’t think I would ever know